She would have been 72 today
Another year has past and I feel that same sense of loss as I did last year at this time. Always at this time I would call her and we would talk about what’s going on in our lives and like always she would pass on some wisdom or give me advice when she saw fit, or even just give me a different view of a topic/though/issue - she saw more than I could see if that makes any sense. The only different thing this year is my own journey in openeing my mind. I’ve been in therapy since last May to deall with other issues and the therapist I’m seeing showed me a world I didn’t see, just like Mom would do. She told me that we as humans/souls vibrate in different frequencies - the one we see are within our frequencies at this time. The ones who pass on from their bodies vibrate at a higher frequencies and the only place we could somehow communicate would be when we dream. Now, me being the ever agnostic, sometimes athiest man of science did not buy this at all. One session. near the end, my therapist looked at me and said she is all around you, still watching over you, protecting you - I felt something and I just lost it just like I’m “misting” now thinking about it - it all made sense. Nothing is by accident, everything that happens in our lives has a defined sequence and we don’t always control every outcome, you make choices but sometimes there’s intervention. I still don’t belive god or some deity has anything to do with it but I don’t mock people who believe it. I now believe that my lioness Mom is till protecting her cubs, just like I will be protecting my cub when I pass on - especially with the strong will that I have. My Mom is with me all the time - I get that now and sometimes I have dreams of us doing simple things together like cooking, fixing something, talking about things that bother us in society and etc. I’ve even come to a new mode of thinking in my life: some people go with the popular meme WWJD (what would jesus do), I now follow the WWMD (What Would Mom Do). It works for me. It makes me now think of the main thing that Mom would do and that is - she doesn’t take shit from anybody! I’m now happily at the place and this journey has been rewarding. I’m thoroughly convinced now that she made it happen, she was here the whole time. I know now just how much she loved me...
She would have been 71 today
It was tough last week thinking about when this day would come, remembering to always send her something even though she really didn’t need anything. The important thing was calling her, finding out what she was up to, which was always a lot, and it always ended with some kind of wisdom - she never seemed to run out of it and I always learned something or found a new way to look at things. I know a lot of people miss her, especially her granddaughter but it’s really tough for me right now on this day - an important component has been taken out of my life and it can never be replaced.
I was looking at the picture of us in the tree - my Mom, my brother and me (we were toddlers) and it reminded me of a lioness with her cubs and it makes total sense! She had the kind of courage you rarely see, she always did and that was one of the biggest influences in my life. She was always protective like lioness and few would mess with us knowing that, yes, my Mom would pounce on you and tear you to shreds.
I had her car restored a bit, to make it the way it was when it was new, to a very detailed extent. I drive it now mainly because it feels like she is with me, protecting me, and watching over me. It’s a great comfort and it’s helped me get through this.
A Hands-On Mom
Here she was, a single mom with 2 sons, a job, design school and keeping a home together. So the question is, what to do with 2 rambunctious sons on your down time? Well, she took it upon herself to use her time with her boys at full bore, giving it 200%. She played hockey with us either as a goalie or as offense player. She played baseball, football. soccer and anything else we were into because she made it her business to be into what we were into. The classic story my brother and I share is when she was practicing karate with us in the living room after watching an action flick, and she tried to emulate a high front kick but her other foot gave out and she levitated and fell completely flat on a hard wood floor! My brother and I were stunned, not knowing what to do, totally scared that she may have been hurt, but then…. she started laughing hysterically, and we of course joined in! This was a sign of things to come! She was tougher than a can of snakes and could hold her own with the best of em’. That was only the start of how we looked up to her, being at such a young age. That was only the beginning of the great life lessons we were about to get, but we understood at that young age she was the real deal and a whole lot of fun!
Finding My Creative Voice
I was drawing motorcycle and such since I was 10 but that wasn’t enough, there was music, which I loved more than anything. I tried guitar. piano and etc. but it didn’t stick. Then I got my first drumset: One Christmas morning in our small 10 floor walkup apartment in Bayonne, NJ, this 13 year old kid woke up to find a black painted slingerland drumset sitting in the living room - giant brass Zildjian cymbals and stands, all in parts but ready to play. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing... I was speechless, I never expected it... I had a toy drumset from Sears back then that was obviously not holding up to my pounding, but since we didn’t have much I was happy with it. But my Dad, somehow bought me a full REAL drumset... How? Why? These questions moved me... The circumstances on how he bought it were gritty, it was from a Jazz guy who really needed the money and basically just gave them up - Dad told me the guy was in a “bad way”, I left it at that. I couldn’t thank him enough, I felt I didn’t deserve it but was glad I got them. Once I started playing them, I was in another world, and I never stopped....
At least it seemed that way, that’s where my Mom came in. She encouraged me to play, and was honest with me when it sounded good or bad - she was, and still is my creative coach and mentor. Starting out, of course, it was a lot of noise at ridiculous decibels in a small apartment. This would go on all weekend long, every weekend playing against Aerosmith, Zeppelin, the Police or anything I could get my hands on at full volume even when she was trying to get some rest. She dealt with the noise, my obsession with drums, the upgrades - new pedals, more drums, more cymbals, etc. She also encouraged me to grow as an artist - that meant lessons at Piero’s music. Yeah, it cost money, lots of money and we didn’t have much in the beginning. Then it was the bands, the shows, and Mom was involved in all of it, helping me carry my heavy humongous kit from her small car, helping out at the venues and etc. from age 14 all the way to now when she attended a Lion-Hearted show in June of 2015. I remember all of it like yesterday....
These memories replay in mind at quiet times, but every moment I realize just how fortunate I was, and still am, to have great parents who loved me so much to make the sacrifices they made, to make me the musician I am today. I could never repay them for that.